Yesterday, we attended Lion's Camp as a family. It's become tradition in our family. Lion's Camp is a day camp for kids with disabilities. It's also technically for kids with chronic illnesses or insulin dependant diabetes but we have never been to camp with any children meeting those descriptions.
We all go together because as Dunk would say, "that's how we roll." And it is. We operate as a team. Partly out of necessity, I suppose. More so, for me, because I know we're better together than apart.
But, here's a secret, I have never liked Lion's Camp. It has served, in the past, as a slap in the face for me. It's pretty harsh reality. And I would often see those realities and think to myself, "Thank God that's not Duncan" and leave. And probably somewhere in my shallow little mind I thought that had something to do with me. Like my superior mothering skills had allowed him (and I) to avoid the more invasive disabilities. The all consuming ones. The ones that affect your mind not just your body.
I would go home and pretend that Lion's Camp was a world where we didn't belong. He's not that kind of kid. I mean, yeah, he has a disability but it's physical and he's special. Like nobody elses kid is special. What a bitch I was.
No, seriously. I kept to myself and prayed that another "normal" kid we knew would be there because I just didn't know what to say to the other ones. Now, I felt bad about it. I did. But I really had no idea what to do about the way I felt. And the way I felt was basically, "we don't belong here". Somehow, because of a horrible medical mistake my son, who should have been perfectly normal, isn't. BUT it's only a physical disability and he doesn't really belong to this club. And, therefore, neither do I.
God has been patient with me. A quality I could develop a little better in myself, I'm sure. He's taken me on a journey for about the last year and half and I have learned things about myself I would have preferred not to know. Ignorance, isn't bliss though. Because I have also learned I am capable of things I would not have thought possible. I think I am beginning to find the person I am meant to be. Cheese ball, right? Yeah, I get that but I mean it. I am finding a wife who is self-assured and confident. A mother who is loving yet firm. A woman who is happy and content. I'm not sure I knew she was in there.
Yesterday at camp I was asked to complete a task I would have run from a few years ago. And I would have felt completely justified in doing so. But yesterday, I didn't run. And the rewards just keep coming.
The task? Changing a shirt. Changing the shirt of a young adult male who as the result of a failed suicide attempt is wheelchair bound and doesn't speak.
Changing this young man's shirt was a big step for me. I am a big believer in personal space. Here I was about to completely invade his and he couldn't even give me his permission to do so. Oh man. I put a smile on my face and approached him and in that moment I realized something. Something a little bit Earth shattering for me. I do belong here.
Yeah. This camp with kids with Autism, Tramatic Brain Injuries, Cerebral Palsy, Spina Bifida, and kids who are mentally retarded. Kid with disabilities that they cannot even diagnose. That's where I belong. Those are my people.
And my reasoning is simple. I belong here because I choose that. I choose to do the hard thing for me- talk to them, touch them just like I would a normal kid. And in doing that I find it's so easy.
I completed my task of changing the shirt and moved onto to the next which was passing out name tags. I asked a woman her first name and she asked mine to which I replied,
"Misty. I'm Duncan's mom"
And she said," Oh, I know who you are"
Guess I was the only one who didn't.